What is your coping mechanism?
Mine is just that...I cope. I coped with looking after my sisters, I coped with my parents, I coped with Social Services. If everyone is alive, I'm doing okay, I'm coping.
Apart from today, I'm not. Someone saw through my act, saw that I was pretending. And when someone see's through, and asks if it's really all falling apart...what do you do? Pretend that you really are doing okay, that you like living like this, and act like you don't know what they are talking about? Or admit that really, the only thing your good at is pretending to cope, and keeping up an act even when it's really tough.
Well usually, I'd like to think no one would see through, and if they did, I could just pretend that actually I'm okay. But today, the question made me dissolve into tears. I cried so hard I couldn't see the keyboard, couldn't see the screen anymore. And now I've stopped, I don't know what to feel. How am I supposed to feel now?
I hope the numbness will fade soon, and I'll feel alive, and I'll be okay. Maybe sometimes the wall needs to fall down to help you rebuild? Or maybe when the wall falls down you stay broken?
I honestly don't know...but now I've done it, now the walls gone and I've let someone in, I hope they help me to build back up. Because honestly, once you've let someone in, they could do anything, couldn't they? They have the power to heal, and rebuild, or they have the power to destroy, and dictate.
This is my story...la mia storia segreta.
